Focus 3 
When a conversation is difficult and full of emotion, wise people don’t react, they respond. They are thoughtful and intentional. They are discerning and disciplined. They seek to bring clarity and perspective to the conversation.
Unwise people get caught up in their emotions and react with heat rather than light. The result is escalated anger, diminished clarity, rash words, hurt feelings, and damaged relationships.
Sometimes we simply lack the wisdom and discipline to be quiet, listen, and seek to understand. When you are interacting and communicating with others, beware of getting caught in the gravitational pull of impulsive emotion. Emotionally impulsive declarations are terribly divisive and do enormous damage to people, relationships, families, teams, companies, and entire communities.
Don’t let mismanaged emotion speak for you.
Having said that, managing your emotions when you communicate is not easy. Emotions can be strong and can quickly hijack you, especially when talking with someone about a difficult issue or contentious topic. Here are five practical tips on how to manage your emotions when you are communicating.
#1: Be Aware
Don’t be surprised when you experience a strong emotion during a conversation. Don’t allow yourself to get triggered. Be mindful. Just because you experience a strong emotion does not mean you have to obey it. Manage your emotions; don’t let your emotions manage you. I have said it for years: You are not responsible for the first impulse; you are responsible for the second one.
#2: Manage your stories and self-talk
Emotion feeds on verbal input, and your internal stories and self-talk are a primary source of your mindset and emotional state. To put it very clearly, you are the author of the stories that feed your emotions. If your internal dialogue is negative or angry or combative or fearful, then that is how you will feel, and that is how you will communicate. If you want to feel calm and in control, then you must talk to yourself in a way that creates calm and control.
#3: Use focused breathing
Focused breathing is a very effective way to stay even-tempered and composed. It allows you to focus on something other than how you feel, it slows down your heart rate, and it sends oxygen to your brain … all of which help you create internal calm and control. Use the 5×5 technique: breathe in for 5 seconds, hold it, then breathe out for 5 seconds. Repeat as necessary.
#4: Seek to first understand
This active listening discipline was made popular years ago by Stephen Covey, and it is a timeless truth. Rather than arguing and debating and pressing your point, focus first on listening and understanding. Demonstrate to the other person that you genuinely want to understand their point of view. It sends a powerful message of respect and empathy.
#5: Communicate with clarity
Share your thoughts and perspective. Be clear, candid, and respectful. Pay attention to what you say, how you say it, and why. Your motives and methods are as important as your message.
Emotions are an important part of life, and they are an important part of communication. However, left unchecked, emotions can hijack and ruin a conversation. Manage your emotions; don’t let your emotions manage you.
