Focus 3 
You’ve heard it said many times: Building a healthy relationship takes work. You don’t get the relationships you want; you get the relationships you build. You also know that communication is the heart of a healthy relationship. However, even though we know this to be true, we sometimes fail to communicate the way we should, and it disconnects us from others. When we don’t communicate effectively, we put stress on our relationships … personal and professional.
Here are ten common disconnectors to watch out for.
- Caring more about yourself than the other person or the team.
Communicating and connecting is all about finding out what is important to the other person. On a team or in a relationship, it is never successful when a person cares more about himself/herself than other people. Never. If you want to connect with someone, you must choose to care about them. Please note that caring is a choice, not a feeling.
- Allowing impulsive emotions to speak for you.
Impulsive, mismanaged emotions can hijack a conversation and ruin a relationship. Unless you manage them, strong emotions bypass the logical part of the brain and cause you to react and speak before thinking. This is the battle of discipline vs default. Default emotions do not want precision, patience, or perspective … all of which are necessary for effective teaming and healthy relationships. - Assuming you understand and failing to really listen.
It is easy to jump to a conclusion without getting the information that matters. Sometimes we think we understand, when in fact we don’t. People are complex and situations are complex. There is always more to the story. Even if you think you know, your job is to listen and learn. Don’t assume. Seek to understand.
- Rushing a conversation that needs more time.
Effective communication is not an event; it is a process. It takes time to interact with others and exchange ideas, information, and feelings. Give conversations the time they need to be done well.
- Trying to avoid conflict or discomfort.
Conflict is a natural and necessary part of every relationship and team. Strong connections are built by resolving conflict, not by avoiding it. Relationships are made stronger by acknowledging and dealing with challenging issues. Put the issues on the table and talk about them. You don’t need to enjoy difficult conversations, but you do need to be good at them.
- Withholding or distorting information to make yourself look better.
Teamwork is about sharing, not hiding or manipulating. Great relationships thrive on open communication of thoughts, ideas, and information. When people see you spin information to make yourself look better, it creates disconnection and distrust. In a healthy relationship there are no hidden agendas.
- Bringing a cynical or negative mindset from the beginning.
The attitude you bring to a conversation will, to a great extent, determine the quality of the conversation. If you have a cynical or negative mindset, it is not likely you will care, listen, or communicate. And you certainly won’t connect. If you want to connect, get your mind right.
- Using a style that doesn’t connect with the other person.
People have different styles of communicating and interacting. You must be willing and able to flex the way you communicate. Don’t get stuck in your style. Rigidity will get you into trouble. Flexibility will help you connect.
- Hearing what you want to hear.
We listen selectively. There is a strong tendency to listen for confirming information and ignore disconfirming information. We hear what we want to hear rather than what is actually being said. The bottom line is that if you don’t listen, you won’t connect. - Not putting in the effort necessary to communicate and connect.
In today’s accelerated, rapidly-moving world it is easy to get lazy about communication. Connecting is a skill that requires focus and energy. You have to work at it. If you do not put in the effort, you will not get the results. You don’t get the relationships you want. You get the relationships you build.
Do the work.
